Not About Me

Once again, I really want to post continuations as to how I got to NYC story blogs, but more things keep happening to me that I need to post about instead.

This past Friday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a break from our relationship. We needed to grow in ways that we couldn't grow if we were dating. I'm not going to go into how he's changing because while he's told me about it, it's not my business to share it with the world. Sorry :)

It's only been five days, and I've learned more about myself and what I need to do than I have in the entire month that I've been in NYC. On Sunday at Hillsong Church our pastor talked about the dash on our tombstones. He said that he wants his dash to be about OTHERS. He said that numbers DO matter in a church because every person is a number. It doesn't matter how high or low that number is, but the numbers matter. He wants his legacy to be known as a man for others.

Then on Tuesday I joined a small group from Hillsong NYC and we continued conversation about our legacies. Back at home I tried my hardest to be about others. I talked to everyone in school, I lead a middle school small group, I did all I thought I could at the time. But when I got here to NYC, I thought about, "Now what about me?" and I became so focused on what God wanted me to do for me. From Friday until Sunday afternoon, I though my boyfriend and I's break was about ME finding ME.

But it's not.

It's not about me.

It's about others.

My legacy needs to be about others. While I don't know HOW exactly God wants me for others, I at least now know that He does want me for them.

"But the Lord is in His Holy Temple; the Lord still rules from heaven. He watches everyone closely; examining every person on Earth." Psalm 11:4

Number do matter. I had forgotten.

Admitting I'm Wrong

I wanted to continue on with my NYC story blogging, but today I just need to blog about what happened to me in my acting class.

On Monday we showed our teacher the scenes that we were assigned and over the past two days, we've workshoped them. However, when my scene partner and I went up and did our scene, our teacher looked at us an said, "How long did you rehearse since Monday." I decided to be honest with him and said, "We didn't." he told us to sit down.

When we sat down he told us we should be disappointed in ourselves. If we really wanted to be a part of this business we needed to commit and rehearse. We'd learned so much in the past few days and yet my partner and I did nothing to adjust our scene. He told us that we failed for the day. He said, "It is better to have failed and gotten lost, than to fail because you did nothing." I got my first college F.

When he was done talking, in front of the whole class I said to him, "Thank you, really needed that smack in the face." (and I mean I said it in an "I appreciate you" way) And with that he pointed at me, looked at the class, and said "That is exactly how you are supposed to respond in this business. That is how you respond to your directors, your producers, everyone. That is the attitude you all need to have. Congratulations, you're going to make it in this business. You don't fail for the day."

I'm not making this post as a "Look at what I did!" post. We all need to admit we're wrong. Because nine times out of ten, we are. I've always put a lot of work into the time that I'm actually IN school, but as soon as I'm home, I'm super lazy. It's been a habit of mine for years now and my parents have told me numerous times I need to stop it. That I could be so much better if I just put the effort in OUTSIDE of school. I got A's and B's in high school, but I could've gotten straight A's had I put in that effort. Today, my teacher told me something my parent's had said to me a million times before and it finally sunk in, and I appreciated it.

My dad always taught me to not talk back and admit when I'm wrong. Dad's life lessons always pay off and I never notice. Today I noticed. I admitted I was wrong and it did so much and I learned so much. Listen to your parents, they know what they're talking about

Destination: NY Part 1

I've decided to blog my journey to finally getting to NYC. Most people don't know this, but it actually all started when I was just 15. I decided to make it into different parts, that way I won't have the LONGEST blog post ever.

When I was in high school, my youth pastor used to always take a group of teens on a missions trip to NYC. I'd always wanted to go there, but I never went on the trips because I never felt called to go. If I went on the trip, it'd be for my own selfish reasons.

After a team came home from NYC when I was 15, they'd always do a service showing the church what it is they did and sharing experiences there. When they were praying in the end-I felt God finally tell me, "You're going to NYC." So I told my mom that next year I'd be going on the trip.

Some things happened at the church and our youth pastor moved elsewhere-so no NYC trip for Emily.

No More Heart Scabs.

Sometimes people come into our lives and we are overwhelmed with love for them that we can't explain why. There was someone that I truely truely cared about in my life that didn't know how to love me the way I loved them. They made my heart break weekly but I still cared about them. I could never quite explain why.

I believe God point said person in my life to help me grow. I learned not to invest so much time into someone that didn't care. I still needed to care about that person and pray for them-but not completely fill my thoughts with them they way I had once done.

After a long period of time I slowly but surely thought my heart was healing from all the scrapes and bruises it had. But I never TRUELY let go. I thought I was okay again and I was moving on with my life. But every now and again I would hear a song, watch a movie, or hear a story that would remind me of that person and my heart would cringe because I still had a scab from those heart scrapes.

I'm now completely in love with someone else and I was determined that my heart was okay again. But recently I made contact with said person and I felt okay but I found myself thinking about them again. For some reason I felt the Holy Spirit tell me I needed to see that person.

So I went and had coffee with said human being and I was really nervous while I waited in my car for them to arrive. When they got there we chatted about what's new, old friends, school, etc. etc. and while I was talking to them, I felt okay.

I was finally okay. I left there feeling okay. I my heart scab was gone. THAT was why the Holy Spirit told me to spend time with them. Because I finally got my closure that I thought I already had but didn't. I feel completely healed now. Like I said before, my heart scab is gone. Will I see this person again in life? I don't know. If I do, I'll be okay. If I don't, I'll be okay. I feel calm. I feel healed. I'm finally okay :)

Shake It Out

Sorry I hardly ever post anymore-I never have time to get around to blogging.

I'm in a new relationship with a WONDERFUL boy whom I care about very much. But recently some things from my past have been really bothering me. There was a boy that broke my heart in two a while back and I'd like to believe that I'm over it now but sometimes something will remind me of that time and I get sad. But, I was listening to this song today at work and I almost began crying. It's not the boy who I'm not letting go of- it's Satan trying to bring me down because I'm in a relationship with someone who's Christ-centered like I am.  My favorite lyric is "...and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off" and that's what I need to do. I dance through life (just as Fieryo in Wicked does!-musical reference). And it IS hard to dance with the devil on your back. I don't know if Florence and the Machine is Christian, but this song certainly has a Christian message secretly attached to it. It's time to shake of my scars and let Jesus re-take control of this heart of mine :)

Oh, I almost forgot-

I GOT INTO AMDA!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M MOVING TO NYC IN OCTOBER!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Adult Time

For the past few weeks I was seeing this guy (who we'll call Hap). Hap was pretty much HEAD OVER HEELS for me. And it was weird. He's quite a bit younger than me, but he didn't care. We'd stay up REALLY late (like 3 am late) talking to each other. We even went on a date (which was pretty fun). I thought I really liked this kid.

Later on I discovered a few things. I realized something-Hap always talked about how his thoughts were always filled with me, but my thoughts were NEVER on him. Whenever I was around him I had fun, but I was never quite comfortable enough to share all the skeletons I had in my closet with him-so I never did. I also discovered that he's pretty immature when he wasn't around me-and I didn't like that. 

Then Hap started acting odd-he stopped talking to me just in general. And, in all honesty, it didn't bother me. I realized that I didn't really like him at all-I just liked the attention he gave me. And the fact that it didn't bother me actually SHOWED me that I didn't like him. When you like a guy and he stops talking to you-it should bother you. But it didn't.

I came to the conclusion that I needed to end things with Hap. So I told him, "Whatever this was that we had, I think I'm done with it." And he never got back to me. That showed me that he was pretty immature. 

I'm not making this post to bash him at all! This post is to show something that I've discovered about myself- I'm ready for an adult relationship. I mean, I'm going to be an adult in 20 days. I was dumbing myself down for him, which wasn't okay. This relationship-thing (I don't know what to call it) showed me that it's my time to grow up. Teenage relationships were never really my thing anyway. I'm in it for the long run.

All in all, I'd like to thank Hap for helping me realize this about myself. It's time for Emily to become an adult!