Silly Emily, You're Not God.

I was texting a very near and dear friend (you know who you are) asking them about their day. They were being very short and quiet (yes, you can be quiet via text message) and I asked if everything was okay. The reply began with "Em, I'm gonna be honest…" which you know means you probably messed up.

My very very important friend proceeded to tell me that they had been distant from me because they always bend over backwards for me and I don't reciprocate. In fact, I got mad being told no when I wanted to hear a yes or yes when I wanted to hear a no. I'm stubborn. I want my way too much.

One of my little cousins (who was actually VERY little when he said this) once said, "'Fair' is when I get exactly my way," (that's probably not word-for-word, but you get it). I like fair. Everyone likes fair. We all would like life to be fair. But life's not supposed to be fair.

When my friend told me that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not one to defend myself easily unless it's someone I'm close with. If someone I don't know that well told me something I didn't like about myself, I'd just be all "Okay, thanks!" But if you're close with me, I will fight you and defend myself until you give up (9 times out of 10 though I realize that that was dumb and I go back and apologize).

But this time was different, as soon as I read that I realized how right they were. I do expect my way. I began to apologize to my friend and suddenly I began to rant about how I needed to not expect my way in several aspects of my life. I'm not God.

As I was ranting to my friend about how stubborn of a person I actually am, I realized that I was doing that with God. Several times in my life God has told me things I felt-I like to call them-absolute. I had felt like God told me some "absolutes" (but at the end of the day, it's God's plan, not mine, I shouldn't call them that anymore) and I was just kinda waiting around for them to happen. I liked the sound of the "absolutes" so I just kinda expected God to just make it happen.

It was like I was playing God and God was my butler who got me what I wanted. Which is ridiculous. And flat-out silly.

The other day I lost it in the middle of work because I felt like I was going nowhere in my life and I had no idea what I was doing. But what was I doing the past six months? Waiting for God to make what I want happen. But God's not this genie that we just ask for what we want and we get it. Nope nope.

I left work early that day and cried my eyes out-angry at God for not giving me what I wanted (people say that my two-year old cousin and I are kindred spirits-I guess we're really not that different after all-I throw tantrums about my way too). I called my mom and she told me that I can't just sit around waiting for God to just give me all the answers. That in the mean time I need to pursue something and He will reveal himself in time-like he always does.

After further pursuing the things that my mom recommended to me, within a week I had interviewed for an elevated position at work (which rumor has it I'm probably going to get) and got an email about a director being interested in me for a commercial. While I don't know if I got the job or the commercial yet, at least I'm finally pursuing something. I'm not sitting at home watching Netflix (as much) and watching the clock on my phone pass me by.

I'm not God. I don't get my way. And I can't wait around for God to GIVE me my way. Because He has so much more in store.

A House is Not a Home-Unconditional Love.

I spent the past two weeks in my home state, South Carolina. Going back is always just what I needed. And my trips never seem to last as long as I'd like them to. New York City never really felt like HOME to me.

Before going back to SC I was so incredibly excited to finally go back, I told everyone "I'm going home in a couple of days!"

But this time everything just felt different. I had the brutal (and one would think obvious) realization that my friend's and family's lives didn't stop while I was gone. The changes I felt weren't major but they were enough to make me feel kind of queazy.

One night I sat on my bed and cried my eyes out because I felt like I didn't have a home anymore. NYC never felt like home. My SC bedroom didn't feel like my bedroom anymore. I won't hyperbolize the situation and say that I was "homeless" but my heart was really hurting.

I hate crying because when I cry, my heart starts to physically hurt and the chest pain becomes so great that I start to cry over that on top of the heartbreak cry. This cry was rough. I cried out to God, "Why did you send me to NYC? I don't even want to do what I originally went there to do, so can't I just start over somewhere else? Why can't I stay here with my family and live life with them?"

I was so heartbroken that I called my best friend to talk to them. As soon as they said "Hello?" I couldn't find my words because I was so out of breath from crying. "Just breathe, take your time. I'll stay on the phone until you're ready to talk". And they just listened. "Breathe." they reminded me (sometimes I accidentally hold my breath and I don't realize it until I let out a huge breath, it's bad).

When I finally caught my breath and had the ability to speak, I told my best friend just exactly what I was feeling. They tried to convince me that because I was surrounded by people that loved me, I was home. "It's not the same," I kept repeating, "It's not the same".

Finally they said to me, "Emily, you have Jesus in your heart. You have a Father up above who loves you so much more than I ever could. Home is where the heart is, and if your heart is focused on Jesus, you're always home. Paris, NYC, Australia, SC, you're always home because Jesus has you."

I'd been struggling with calling NYC my "home" for two years (which is actually how long I've lived there). I always referred to it as home just because it was too much effort to say "the place where I'm currently living".

When I first moved to NYC, the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips played as I drove into the city (which I'm fairly certain I've blogged about before). The lyric that always stood out to me was "Just know you're not alone, cause I'm gonna make this place your home," and I always heard it as the Lord telling me that NYC was going to be my new home. But it's not what it was, it was my Jesus telling me that "Home is where I am, and I am always with you."

I felt so incredibly loved when my best friend told me that. Loved by my Father. An unconditional love.

This is why I'm a Christian. Not because I want to follow a rule book. Not because I think I'm better than others. Not because I like my church. Not because I like the music. I'm a Christian because I get to know an unconditional love. I get to have moments a few nights ago in my bedroom where I'm reminded that I'm never alone (I don't know why I need a reminding, but I never get scolded for needing it).

Proverbs 16:9 says "In their hearts humans, plan their course but the Lord establishes their steps." I think that's why it's called "WALKING" with the Lord. It's like learning to waltz with Jesus. You make the decision to learn, He takes you in His arms, He teaches you and guides you until you learn the proper steps; but instead of letting you go on your own, He still holds on.

Sometimes I think that I can dance on my own and to my own beat, but I'm reminded who the perfect dance partner is. Sometimes He moves me in a direction that doesn't make sense to me, but it always ends up becoming a beautiful piece of the dance.

Dancing with Jesus is my home.

I hope this post was a little less scatter-brained than some of my previous posts, but I post these for me.

Son of God-How Deep the Father's Love

Whenever I get around to writing a blog post, I'm always annoyed with myself that it's always probably been about six months since my last post. Well, let's just ignore that fact so I can tell you what I got out of the new movie Son of God.

While Son of God had a few Biblical inaccuracies, I still found myself sobbing the whole movie. From the Heaven is For Real trailer until the ending credits (you can ask my roommate, she'll tell you it's true) I could not stop crying. Jesus' birth, His miracles, His death, even when the children ran to him and He hugged them, I was crying. I knew all the stories that were put into the movie, what was going to happen, what Jesus does, (basically it wasn't the thriller-let's just say I already read the book). 

One day someone once asked me why the death of Jesus is known to be the most torture a human has ever endured. They began to name off several historical instances where human beings had received worse torture. Back then, I didn't have an answer. But during this movie I thought of that conversation and it really hit me. I knew the correct answer, but I didn't know how to put it into words then- Jesus went through all this physical torture, but spiritually was receiving the most torture a human has ever endured. Jesus died for the sins of every person EVER. From the little white lie a child tells their parents, to a man robbing a bank. Jesus died for everyone.

During the death of Jesus, (while sobbing) I turned to my roommate and said to her "I just really love Jesus," and right then I heard the Holy Spirit say to me "But I love you more, do you see what I did?" Then the already sobbing Emily just lost it. 

Throughout the whole movie, (especially during the death scene) the lyric "How deep the Father's love for us" kept playing in my head. I've always loved Jesus, but I don't think there has ever been a time in my life that I've felt so in love with my Savior. That's all I can really say. That's the only way I know how to put it. I'm in love with Jesus. There. End of Story. 

Single.

1 year, 3 months, and 23 days I was with this boy. It's been almost a month since we broke up. It's safe to assume that this month has been extremely hard. While everyone in the world knows who he is, he's going to remain nameless for now. This post is not to bash him. It's to show what I've learned from the breakup.

I was watching Perry Noble online this past Sunday (a new hobby I've been doing a lot lately) and he was talking about lies that women believe. The lie he focused on in this message was "I'm not good enough". Which led him into naming things that women identify themselves in. Some of them were things like appearance, career, etc. Things I felt fine about...until he said "relationships".

When he got to relationships he began to go on about how people let relationships become their identity. While watching this I realized, I was identifying myself in my relationship. And being with the boy became my whole world. It became all I thought about, all I cared about.

He became my identity.

But he is not my identity. In Christ I am priceless. In Christ I am CUSTOM DESIGNED. God knew how much I was going to screw up. God knew all the sins I was going to commit and He made me anyway.

TRUTH-IN CHRIST I AM COMPLETE.

I took a long time to write this blog post, but I finally decided to finish it tonight. But today I'm telling you that my identity is a daughter of Christ.

Psalm 139:13-18
 

My Family >>>>>>

Recently I had made some plans and decisions that I was ridiculously excited about. Plans to meet someone I'd never met before, but their existance still mattered to me. My family were all supporting me and excited for me to meet this person for the first time.

Well, let's just say that these plans "fell through" (which is an understatement, but I won't go into detail).

My heart was broken. When I first contacted this person I prepared myself for the worst. But when things started looking up, that's when we made plans to meet and I began to let my guard down and get my hopes up. This person failed me. And I have no intentions of meeting them (ever) now.

My family's hearts broke right along with mine. They were just as angry as I am. They were just as hurt as I am.

I say "am" in the previous sentences because I'm still hurt and still angry. But I'm slowly healing.

Through all this I realized how thankful I am for this wonderful family I have. They're so wonderful and supportive. I wouldn't trade any of them for this one person. All of them are so dear to me. From the youngest to the oldest. They're so important to me. And I'm so blessed.

Life.

I couldn't think of a clever title for this post, because it's honestly going to be a tad bit all over the place. I've had a lot of struggles since I've started my third semester or college, although, some of them rooted long before. This is the story of me putting the pieces together.

As I've expressed to my friends and family lately, I'm exhausted. Finding a good balance between school, work, homework, and an attempt at a social life is HARD right now. School is all of a sudden MUCH harder than it was my first two semesters, and I live 30 minutes away from work (which takes an hour out of my day, everyday, that could be spent on my piles of homework).

Because of all of this exhaustion, I began to think I was not cut out for this city and career and all it requires. I began doubting myself in every single way. For those of you who know me very well, I don't come off like the type of girl who has self-confidence issues. But I do. You just can't tell. (I AM an actor, after all). 

I've always thought God made me beautiful-as He made all His children beautiful. But personality-wise, emotionally, spiritually, school, etc. I felt like I was just about as average and boring as can be. I never thought good things about myself because I have a paranoia of becoming too arrogant. Once I start to feel proud of myself, the enemy would tell me I was being cocky. So I'd shut that part of me down.

Well lately, that teeny tiny bit of me that had confidence was practically microscopic. I felt like I was going to school and I didn't even know what for anymore. I doubted myself and God's plan for me. I began to even wonder if He even HAD a plan for me anymore.

But then.

One day I was sitting in my musical theatre class and this girl came up and sang "Watch What Happens" from Newsies. (Which is an AMAZING show that I would highly recommend. If you wanna hear the song, click here.) This is a song I've known for quite a while, and I know all the lyrics (and there's a LOT of lyrics in this song.) But for some reason, when Noa went up to sing the song-these lyrics stuck out to me.

"Give life's little guys some ink, and when it dries just watch what happens.Those kids will live and breathe right on the pageand once they're center stage, you watch what happens.And who's there with her camera and her pen as boys turn into menthey'll storm the gates and then just watch what happens when they do."

Well. If that doesn't put it right out in the open, I don't know what does. "Life's little guys" is Jesus. He's writing my story. And I just have to watch what happens when the ink dries! I almost started crying when she was singing this song. I felt so good!


That feeling lasted about 3 days.


And then I remembered how exhausted I was and that amazingly safe and loved feeling I had was gone. Again. 
But God didn't stop reminding me that I need to be patient. I was reading my Bible and I stumbled on this:
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.-Romans 8:19
Then again on Sunday He gave me another reminder. I missed church, so I was watching Perry Noble online and I began to watch this sermon. In this sermon, Pastor Perry Noble is talking about when Paul was in prison. He casted a demon out of a little girl, then was seized, dragged, attacked, and then thrown into prison. All because the girl's masters wanted the demon in her because it made her tell the future. Then he begins to talk about how Paul and Silas began worshiping the Lord after having the worst day ever. 
I began to cry there because I realized that I needed to worship my God in this time of exhaustion I'm still going through. Then I remembered when I posted this. If you don't have time to read it-I'm sum it up. In 2010, a childhood friend of mine died in a terrible car accident. He was only 16. I hadn't seen him or his mom (who worked at my school) in ages. When I went to the funeral, a worship band came up and sang "How Great is Our God" (Derrick was on the praise and worship team). As I sang this song I've known my whole life, I looked over at Derrick's mom and there she was, her hand in the air, praising our God. At her own son's funeral, she was worshiping our Jesus. (this story still makes me cry-I'm crying as I'm typing this).
I used to remind myself of Derrick's mom, Melissa whenever I began to go through something I thought that was hard. But as of lately, I became so consumed in my own problems, I felt like worshiping God wasn't going to fix anything. 
I was so wrong.
I've realized that being confident in myself doesn't make my cocky, it means I'm trusting what God has given me, where He's put me, and what He's going to be doing with me. And with that, I need to be praising Him every single step of the way.

Jason and Heidi

I made a mistake. A mistake I wish I could take back. I'd prayed about it, and I'd been forgiven by my Jesus. I decided I would be honest with people about my mistake if anyone ever asked. But more than anything, I did not want my parents to know.

I love my parents. More than anything. My mom and I have been best friends since forever. And my dad adopted me when I was 9 so that I could legally be his daughter (how awesome is that?). I've always gone to my parents with everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

But when it came to my mistake, they were the last people on Earth I wanted to find out.

When I was home on vacation, I talked with a dear friend of mine about my mistake. I told her that I was paranoid they would find out. And she said to me, "Well, maybe you're supposed to tell them." When she said that to me, my immediate thought was, "HECK NO." But as the week went on, God told me several times that I couldn't keep lying to my parents about my mistake.

So I owned up to it.

One morning while I was home, I went downstairs and told my dad. A half hour later, I went upstairs and told my mom. They were disappointed. (Which in case your parents have never told you that, it's feels worse than being grounded for 90 years.) I felt terrible. They were broken hearted. It was a rough week.

Because of my mistake, new rules were put into place. New rules that made me angry. (I often struggle with the fact that I'm still my parents' kid, even though I'm a legal adult and living on my own most of the year.) But I decided that as angry as they made me, I still respected them and their decisions.

Throughout the week I became less angry at the new rules and more thankful of my parents for caring so much and wanting to protect me. I mean, they spent my whole life trying to teach me to be a Godly woman. With the new rules in place, I found myself spending more time with them at home and realizing (well, not realizing, I always knew) how much they really love me.

Mom and Dad (if you're reading this)-
I love you guys. I'm sorry for my mistake. It breaks my heart that I made you guys feel the way you do right now. You guys have been the greatest parents that anyone could ever ask for. I often pray that one day I'll be the parent that you guys have been to me the past 19 years (well dad, 13 years-but you know what I mean). I miss you both every single day and I wish I spent more time at home with you guys before I went away to school. I'm sorry if you guys ever felt like I didn't appreciate you. Because I do. Knowing that I'm not going to get to see you guys until Thanksgiving (at the earliest) makes me so sad. I can't wait to see you again. I love you.

-Emmie

And Alex is pretty cool too ;)