Sunday, June 30, 2013

Jason and Heidi

I made a mistake. A mistake I wish I could take back. I'd prayed about it, and I'd been forgiven by my Jesus. I decided I would be honest with people about my mistake if anyone ever asked. But more than anything, I did not want my parents to know.

I love my parents. More than anything. My mom and I have been best friends since forever. And my dad adopted me when I was 9 so that I could legally be his daughter (how awesome is that?). I've always gone to my parents with everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

But when it came to my mistake, they were the last people on Earth I wanted to find out.

When I was home on vacation, I talked with a dear friend of mine about my mistake. I told her that I was paranoid they would find out. And she said to me, "Well, maybe you're supposed to tell them." When she said that to me, my immediate thought was, "HECK NO." But as the week went on, God told me several times that I couldn't keep lying to my parents about my mistake.

So I owned up to it.

One morning while I was home, I went downstairs and told my dad. A half hour later, I went upstairs and told my mom. They were disappointed. (Which in case your parents have never told you that, it's feels worse than being grounded for 90 years.) I felt terrible. They were broken hearted. It was a rough week.

Because of my mistake, new rules were put into place. New rules that made me angry. (I often struggle with the fact that I'm still my parents' kid, even though I'm a legal adult and living on my own most of the year.) But I decided that as angry as they made me, I still respected them and their decisions.

Throughout the week I became less angry at the new rules and more thankful of my parents for caring so much and wanting to protect me. I mean, they spent my whole life trying to teach me to be a Godly woman. With the new rules in place, I found myself spending more time with them at home and realizing (well, not realizing, I always knew) how much they really love me.

Mom and Dad (if you're reading this)-
I love you guys. I'm sorry for my mistake. It breaks my heart that I made you guys feel the way you do right now. You guys have been the greatest parents that anyone could ever ask for. I often pray that one day I'll be the parent that you guys have been to me the past 19 years (well dad, 13 years-but you know what I mean). I miss you both every single day and I wish I spent more time at home with you guys before I went away to school. I'm sorry if you guys ever felt like I didn't appreciate you. Because I do. Knowing that I'm not going to get to see you guys until Thanksgiving (at the earliest) makes me so sad. I can't wait to see you again. I love you.


And Alex is pretty cool too ;)

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He lets me rest in Green meadows, he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23

The Lord pointed out this chapter to me three different times over the past week and a half. Psalm 23 was a chapter I could practically recite to almost anyone because even the newest Christian has heard it before. 

However, as many times as I've heard this chapter, it never really sunk in until I was at the beach last week. 

For those of you who don't know, I'm a musical theatre student studying in New York City. I'm in a two year conservatory, and as of three weeks ago I'm halfway done with my studies. And in case some of you didn't know-living in New York City is not easy and is not cheap. I do live in the dormitory housing until I graduate, but the thought of TRULY living on my own in a matter of a few months began to stress me out.

Stress has always been a weird thing for me. I either don't stress NEARLY enough or I stress WAY to much to the point I make myself sick.

This stress was the time of stress where I was making myself sick. Thoughts of finding an apartment, roommates, a steady job, etc., etc. were constantly on my mind. I was also beginning to wonder WHY I was brought to NYC, WHY I was doing musical theatre, WHY this, WHY that.

Then, one Sunday just a few weeks ago a guest speaker came to speak at my church (Hillsong NYC). He told us that it isn't really our place to question God "WHY?" we just have to trust in Him that His love endures forever. 

That hit me harder than when I cracked my head on the coffee table when I was five.

I told myself to stop questioning God all the time because it wasn't my place. And it made everyday life a little bit easier.

But that didn't stop me from worrying. 

For those of you who don't know, there's 19 of us on my mom's side of the family. And all 19 of us go to the beach together almost every year. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren which is sometimes awkward. I'm expected to keep the kids busy (which I love, don't get my wrong. My cousins mean everything to me) but at the same time I want to spend time with the adults and have grown up conversations. Another awkward thing is that when I was younger, I lived super close to almost all my aunts and uncles, so when I'm at the beach- I have 86 parents.

But this time I didn't mind having 86 parents. I needed the love and advice. And I'm so incredibly thankful for them. My Uncle "Brasky" in particular really helped me out and made me feel more confident about what I'm doing.

Even though I had gotten tons of advice throughout the week from family members, I didn't feel safe (if that's the right word) in what I was doing. 

Then one night at around midnight I pulled up my Bible on my phone and Psalm 23 was the first thing that came up. I began to sob. God reminded me that I have nothing to fear and that He is always with me. With reading those six verses all my stress was lifted off my shoulders. God reminded me that I had A-time, B-support C-a loving family and D(most importantly)- HIM! 

I think every college student needs to remind themselves of Psalm 23. "And if our God is for us, then who shall every stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"