Sunday, November 17, 2013


1 year, 3 months, and 23 days I was with this boy. It's been almost a month since we broke up. It's safe to assume that this month has been extremely hard. While everyone in the world knows who he is, he's going to remain nameless for now. This post is not to bash him. It's to show what I've learned from the breakup.

I was watching Perry Noble online this past Sunday (a new hobby I've been doing a lot lately) and he was talking about lies that women believe. The lie he focused on in this message was "I'm not good enough". Which led him into naming things that women identify themselves in. Some of them were things like appearance, career, etc. Things I felt fine about...until he said "relationships".

When he got to relationships he began to go on about how people let relationships become their identity. While watching this I realized, I was identifying myself in my relationship. And being with the boy became my whole world. It became all I thought about, all I cared about.

He became my identity.

But he is not my identity. In Christ I am priceless. In Christ I am CUSTOM DESIGNED. God knew how much I was going to screw up. God knew all the sins I was going to commit and He made me anyway.


I took a long time to write this blog post, but I finally decided to finish it tonight. But today I'm telling you that my identity is a daughter of Christ.

Psalm 139:13-18

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My Family >>>>>>

Recently I had made some plans and decisions that I was ridiculously excited about. Plans to meet someone I'd never met before, but their existance still mattered to me. My family were all supporting me and excited for me to meet this person for the first time.

Well, let's just say that these plans "fell through" (which is an understatement, but I won't go into detail).

My heart was broken. When I first contacted this person I prepared myself for the worst. But when things started looking up, that's when we made plans to meet and I began to let my guard down and get my hopes up. This person failed me. And I have no intentions of meeting them (ever) now.

My family's hearts broke right along with mine. They were just as angry as I am. They were just as hurt as I am.

I say "am" in the previous sentences because I'm still hurt and still angry. But I'm slowly healing.

Through all this I realized how thankful I am for this wonderful family I have. They're so wonderful and supportive. I wouldn't trade any of them for this one person. All of them are so dear to me. From the youngest to the oldest. They're so important to me. And I'm so blessed.

Monday, July 22, 2013


I couldn't think of a clever title for this post, because it's honestly going to be a tad bit all over the place. I've had a lot of struggles since I've started my third semester or college, although, some of them rooted long before. This is the story of me putting the pieces together.

As I've expressed to my friends and family lately, I'm exhausted. Finding a good balance between school, work, homework, and an attempt at a social life is HARD right now. School is all of a sudden MUCH harder than it was my first two semesters, and I live 30 minutes away from work (which takes an hour out of my day, everyday, that could be spent on my piles of homework).

Because of all of this exhaustion, I began to think I was not cut out for this city and career and all it requires. I began doubting myself in every single way. For those of you who know me very well, I don't come off like the type of girl who has self-confidence issues. But I do. You just can't tell. (I AM an actor, after all). 

I've always thought God made me beautiful-as He made all His children beautiful. But personality-wise, emotionally, spiritually, school, etc. I felt like I was just about as average and boring as can be. I never thought good things about myself because I have a paranoia of becoming too arrogant. Once I start to feel proud of myself, the enemy would tell me I was being cocky. So I'd shut that part of me down.

Well lately, that teeny tiny bit of me that had confidence was practically microscopic. I felt like I was going to school and I didn't even know what for anymore. I doubted myself and God's plan for me. I began to even wonder if He even HAD a plan for me anymore.

But then.

One day I was sitting in my musical theatre class and this girl came up and sang "Watch What Happens" from Newsies. (Which is an AMAZING show that I would highly recommend. If you wanna hear the song, click here.) This is a song I've known for quite a while, and I know all the lyrics (and there's a LOT of lyrics in this song.) But for some reason, when Noa went up to sing the song-these lyrics stuck out to me.

"Give life's little guys some ink, and when it dries just watch what happens.Those kids will live and breathe right on the pageand once they're center stage, you watch what happens.And who's there with her camera and her pen as boys turn into menthey'll storm the gates and then just watch what happens when they do."

Well. If that doesn't put it right out in the open, I don't know what does. "Life's little guys" is Jesus. He's writing my story. And I just have to watch what happens when the ink dries! I almost started crying when she was singing this song. I felt so good!

That feeling lasted about 3 days.

And then I remembered how exhausted I was and that amazingly safe and loved feeling I had was gone. Again. 
But God didn't stop reminding me that I need to be patient. I was reading my Bible and I stumbled on this:
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.-Romans 8:19
Then again on Sunday He gave me another reminder. I missed church, so I was watching Perry Noble online and I began to watch this sermon. In this sermon, Pastor Perry Noble is talking about when Paul was in prison. He casted a demon out of a little girl, then was seized, dragged, attacked, and then thrown into prison. All because the girl's masters wanted the demon in her because it made her tell the future. Then he begins to talk about how Paul and Silas began worshiping the Lord after having the worst day ever. 
I began to cry there because I realized that I needed to worship my God in this time of exhaustion I'm still going through. Then I remembered when I posted this. If you don't have time to read it-I'm sum it up. In 2010, a childhood friend of mine died in a terrible car accident. He was only 16. I hadn't seen him or his mom (who worked at my school) in ages. When I went to the funeral, a worship band came up and sang "How Great is Our God" (Derrick was on the praise and worship team). As I sang this song I've known my whole life, I looked over at Derrick's mom and there she was, her hand in the air, praising our God. At her own son's funeral, she was worshiping our Jesus. (this story still makes me cry-I'm crying as I'm typing this).
I used to remind myself of Derrick's mom, Melissa whenever I began to go through something I thought that was hard. But as of lately, I became so consumed in my own problems, I felt like worshiping God wasn't going to fix anything. 
I was so wrong.
I've realized that being confident in myself doesn't make my cocky, it means I'm trusting what God has given me, where He's put me, and what He's going to be doing with me. And with that, I need to be praising Him every single step of the way.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Jason and Heidi

I made a mistake. A mistake I wish I could take back. I'd prayed about it, and I'd been forgiven by my Jesus. I decided I would be honest with people about my mistake if anyone ever asked. But more than anything, I did not want my parents to know.

I love my parents. More than anything. My mom and I have been best friends since forever. And my dad adopted me when I was 9 so that I could legally be his daughter (how awesome is that?). I've always gone to my parents with everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

But when it came to my mistake, they were the last people on Earth I wanted to find out.

When I was home on vacation, I talked with a dear friend of mine about my mistake. I told her that I was paranoid they would find out. And she said to me, "Well, maybe you're supposed to tell them." When she said that to me, my immediate thought was, "HECK NO." But as the week went on, God told me several times that I couldn't keep lying to my parents about my mistake.

So I owned up to it.

One morning while I was home, I went downstairs and told my dad. A half hour later, I went upstairs and told my mom. They were disappointed. (Which in case your parents have never told you that, it's feels worse than being grounded for 90 years.) I felt terrible. They were broken hearted. It was a rough week.

Because of my mistake, new rules were put into place. New rules that made me angry. (I often struggle with the fact that I'm still my parents' kid, even though I'm a legal adult and living on my own most of the year.) But I decided that as angry as they made me, I still respected them and their decisions.

Throughout the week I became less angry at the new rules and more thankful of my parents for caring so much and wanting to protect me. I mean, they spent my whole life trying to teach me to be a Godly woman. With the new rules in place, I found myself spending more time with them at home and realizing (well, not realizing, I always knew) how much they really love me.

Mom and Dad (if you're reading this)-
I love you guys. I'm sorry for my mistake. It breaks my heart that I made you guys feel the way you do right now. You guys have been the greatest parents that anyone could ever ask for. I often pray that one day I'll be the parent that you guys have been to me the past 19 years (well dad, 13 years-but you know what I mean). I miss you both every single day and I wish I spent more time at home with you guys before I went away to school. I'm sorry if you guys ever felt like I didn't appreciate you. Because I do. Knowing that I'm not going to get to see you guys until Thanksgiving (at the earliest) makes me so sad. I can't wait to see you again. I love you.


And Alex is pretty cool too ;)

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He lets me rest in Green meadows, he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life and I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23

The Lord pointed out this chapter to me three different times over the past week and a half. Psalm 23 was a chapter I could practically recite to almost anyone because even the newest Christian has heard it before. 

However, as many times as I've heard this chapter, it never really sunk in until I was at the beach last week. 

For those of you who don't know, I'm a musical theatre student studying in New York City. I'm in a two year conservatory, and as of three weeks ago I'm halfway done with my studies. And in case some of you didn't know-living in New York City is not easy and is not cheap. I do live in the dormitory housing until I graduate, but the thought of TRULY living on my own in a matter of a few months began to stress me out.

Stress has always been a weird thing for me. I either don't stress NEARLY enough or I stress WAY to much to the point I make myself sick.

This stress was the time of stress where I was making myself sick. Thoughts of finding an apartment, roommates, a steady job, etc., etc. were constantly on my mind. I was also beginning to wonder WHY I was brought to NYC, WHY I was doing musical theatre, WHY this, WHY that.

Then, one Sunday just a few weeks ago a guest speaker came to speak at my church (Hillsong NYC). He told us that it isn't really our place to question God "WHY?" we just have to trust in Him that His love endures forever. 

That hit me harder than when I cracked my head on the coffee table when I was five.

I told myself to stop questioning God all the time because it wasn't my place. And it made everyday life a little bit easier.

But that didn't stop me from worrying. 

For those of you who don't know, there's 19 of us on my mom's side of the family. And all 19 of us go to the beach together almost every year. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren which is sometimes awkward. I'm expected to keep the kids busy (which I love, don't get my wrong. My cousins mean everything to me) but at the same time I want to spend time with the adults and have grown up conversations. Another awkward thing is that when I was younger, I lived super close to almost all my aunts and uncles, so when I'm at the beach- I have 86 parents.

But this time I didn't mind having 86 parents. I needed the love and advice. And I'm so incredibly thankful for them. My Uncle "Brasky" in particular really helped me out and made me feel more confident about what I'm doing.

Even though I had gotten tons of advice throughout the week from family members, I didn't feel safe (if that's the right word) in what I was doing. 

Then one night at around midnight I pulled up my Bible on my phone and Psalm 23 was the first thing that came up. I began to sob. God reminded me that I have nothing to fear and that He is always with me. With reading those six verses all my stress was lifted off my shoulders. God reminded me that I had A-time, B-support C-a loving family and D(most importantly)- HIM! 

I think every college student needs to remind themselves of Psalm 23. "And if our God is for us, then who shall every stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"