I was texting a very near and dear friend (you know who you are) asking them about their day. They were being very short and quiet (yes, you can be quiet via text message) and I asked if everything was okay. The reply began with "Em, I'm gonna be honest…" which you know means you probably messed up.
My very very important friend proceeded to tell me that they had been distant from me because they always bend over backwards for me and I don't reciprocate. In fact, I got mad being told no when I wanted to hear a yes or yes when I wanted to hear a no. I'm stubborn. I want my way too much.
One of my little cousins (who was actually VERY little when he said this) once said, "'Fair' is when I get exactly my way," (that's probably not word-for-word, but you get it). I like fair. Everyone likes fair. We all would like life to be fair. But life's not supposed to be fair.
When my friend told me that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not one to defend myself easily unless it's someone I'm close with. If someone I don't know that well told me something I didn't like about myself, I'd just be all "Okay, thanks!" But if you're close with me, I will fight you and defend myself until you give up (9 times out of 10 though I realize that that was dumb and I go back and apologize).
But this time was different, as soon as I read that I realized how right they were. I do expect my way. I began to apologize to my friend and suddenly I began to rant about how I needed to not expect my way in several aspects of my life. I'm not God.
As I was ranting to my friend about how stubborn of a person I actually am, I realized that I was doing that with God. Several times in my life God has told me things I felt-I like to call them-absolute. I had felt like God told me some "absolutes" (but at the end of the day, it's God's plan, not mine, I shouldn't call them that anymore) and I was just kinda waiting around for them to happen. I liked the sound of the "absolutes" so I just kinda expected God to just make it happen.
It was like I was playing God and God was my butler who got me what I wanted. Which is ridiculous. And flat-out silly.
The other day I lost it in the middle of work because I felt like I was going nowhere in my life and I had no idea what I was doing. But what was I doing the past six months? Waiting for God to make what I want happen. But God's not this genie that we just ask for what we want and we get it. Nope nope.
I left work early that day and cried my eyes out-angry at God for not giving me what I wanted (people say that my two-year old cousin and I are kindred spirits-I guess we're really not that different after all-I throw tantrums about my way too). I called my mom and she told me that I can't just sit around waiting for God to just give me all the answers. That in the mean time I need to pursue something and He will reveal himself in time-like he always does.
After further pursuing the things that my mom recommended to me, within a week I had interviewed for an elevated position at work (which rumor has it I'm probably going to get) and got an email about a director being interested in me for a commercial. While I don't know if I got the job or the commercial yet, at least I'm finally pursuing something. I'm not sitting at home watching Netflix (as much) and watching the clock on my phone pass me by.
I'm not God. I don't get my way. And I can't wait around for God to GIVE me my way. Because He has so much more in store.